Mid twenties and out of a horrible long term relationship, I got attention from a boy. He was nothing I was after, emotionally unavailable with an ego that could barely get through the door. Oh, and a ginger…
I felt infatuated with him, I thought it was love – he did not. I began starting fights on a whim for attention, angry, frustrated, crying over a change in temperature (I ruin my make up for no one!) I was cyclone Karla with all the emotional weather changes you could expect!
During one seasonal argument he yelled at me “every month you turn into a psycho!” And it clicked…month you say?
What else happens monthly.
I visited my doctor during one of my down moments. She was shocked believing I had got this advanced in clinical depression with no signs. How damaged could I be?! She prepared me for therapy, setting me up with a specialist in the field and anti depressants were to be advised. I then set up a further appointment to see her the following week.
As I stepped back into her office a week later with my standard giggle, smile and “how are you?” she couldn’t believe my change – doctor Jekyll and Mrs Hyde anyone? The only body change was I now had my period.
She gave me a list and I was to point out everything that applied to me.
I was diagnosed with premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) – it’s an imbalance just before your menstrual cycle that makes you feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster, unable to function, no control over emotions, anxiety and feeling lost…always lost. Then you get your period and it’s back to “normal”.
So once a month for a few days I take serotonin inhibitors to help balance my levels and stop me from parading into crazy town.
I have been judged, I’ve had people voice their opinion and others not understand what it’s like including people I love.
It’s OK, it’s their choice to voice what they think and feel but I remember what it felt like to not know why my mind and body was pulling me off the tracks of life and for the sake of taking a tablet during my month, it’s my choice that I do.
I may of pulled out of my low point in life as what I believe to be a better person, but I came out a bit damaged.
That’s OK though, it matches my over processed hair xoxo