How to Get a Bikini Body in 1 Week


We’ve all had those absolute “FUCK!” moments of panic when it suddenly dawns on us that the fun we had making our Winter body is about to bite us in the cream cheese arse. Hard.

The oversized boyfriend trackies must once again fade their way into the back of the wardrobe and our skinny jeans are taunting us. It’s like they know that soon we’ll be doing that weird squatting dance or wearing a long vest that covers a shameful undone top button.

AND OMG I’M GOING TO HAVE BACK FAT!!!!

Well never fear girls! I’ve got 8 simple tricks to get you summer ready in no time…

 

1) Wrap yourself in glad wrap (cling film for the English) and sleep for 8 hours.
Remember to set an alarm half way through to turn yourself over. Embrace your inner Christmas turkey.

2) Eat a skinny person.
They were born with the superhero power of fast metabolism and feasting on their flesh will transfer this gift to you.

3) Google “6 pack” and print out the best image you can find, attaching to your body with sticky tape.
Double sided works best for extra security.
Avoid the rain.

4) Try intermittent fasting – fast for 7 days, eat for 1.
Don’t drink during this period. That would be stupid.

5) Don’t so much as look at a weight! Doing so will IMMEDIATELY result in increased testosterone and serious muscle gain.
You will basically grow a penis.

6) Buy a Diet Coke with your MacDonald’s.
You can enjoy a large now.

7) Eat only on the days of that week that people have birthdays as everybody knows calories don’t count on these days.
Eating in private also doesn’t count i.e. late night fridge raids.

8) Sacrifice a well rounded virgin olive oil by the light of the moon on the 11th hour on the 6th day.
Be sure to post on social media with the hashtag #sacrificeonfleek
If it didn’t happen on the gram, it didn’t happen at all…

 

*DISCLAIMER* Please refrain from trying any of the above methods (they were most definitely a joke LOLS) and remember that crash diets and sacrificial food slaughters NEVER work.

Be kind to yourself and your body.

You only get one.

SHARE:


6 comments so far.

6 responses to “How to Get a Bikini Body in 1 Week”

  1. Carly Evans says:

    Fucking brilliant. I’m off to stock up on glad wrap (why is glad wrap so happy anyway?!)

  2. Sarah Porter says:

    Lol… Thanks! I was wondering how / why I was going to turn around halfway though the night… I was considering the logistics and everything!!! Haha..!

    You’ve certainly brightened the afternoon for me xx

  3. Amity says:

    Love it!! Love it!! Love it!! Thank you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *