In the Bahamas, where my only friend would be a dolphin and we’d collect shells to sell for money and life would be sheltered and dreamy.
But then I remember my little head and all of the fun thoughts that come with it will simply follow me anyway so might as well dig my heels in and instead, have a laugh at some of the moments it’s given me.
High 5 anxiety! You is funny sometimes.
1) Drinking! Oh my favourite of them all. Who did I text? Why did I text them! What did I say?! Why does everyone hate me? Christ I am never drinking again.
2) Work meetings. You have nothing valid to say, why speak up? Don’t do it, they’re going to think you’re stupid. Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do.. Oh you just had to go and do it didn’t you. Idiot.
3) First dates. Let’s be honest, it’will be awkward at first and there’s every chance you’re not going to live up to the image that’s in his head. But you’ve put yourself out there and that’s what counts! Besides, dogs make for great lifelong companions.
4) Sex. Why have you always got to eat that last bit of food on your plate? No you’re not imagining it; he did just look at your belly! Oh, and again. This is going to be short lived. You only have yourself to blame.
5) Cancelling plans with a friend. Ok so work kept you back late but seriously, couldn’t you have done better, gotten those tasks finished a bit quicker? They probably won’t invite you out again in a hurry. And yes, you’ll likely be the topic of conversation tonight. You and your sloth.
6) Arguments with a partner. We had a good run.
7) Sleep. Why get a solid 8 hours of sleep right now when there are lifestyle choices to critique? Past mistakes to dwell on? Future dreams to stress over? Let’s get cracking!
8) Social media. Why didn’t that person I’ve not spoken to in 17 months like my comment on their comment? Why won’t they acknowledge it? Are we friends in secret? Am I not good enough? Well you can go and fuck yourself! Although I hope you do eventually acknowledge my presence so I feel worthy again and can break thos death cycle of overthinking your motives for the next 3 hours.