1) I was invited to breakfast with the sales team. So nice. And then the big boss rocks up and turns out breaky is on him. FUCK FUCK FUCK HE TOTALLY THINKS I’VE SHOWN FOR THE FREE FOOD AND I’M GOING TO GET FIRED!! JUST GRAB YOUR BACON AND RUN EMMA!
2) I made a 5 day blog feature that was basically a new recipe each day. And on day 5 I lived my life and forgot to post a recipe. And then proceeded to convince myself I’d lose all of my followers. All 65 of them.
3) I fell asleep in mediation class. Ok so it was 7pm and we had been in a state of guided mediation for like 17 minutes. HUGE relief when the lady next to me dozed off and head butted the chair in front. Cheers love.
4) I watched “That Sugar Film” and a statistic came on about how 40% of slim people are fat on the inside. I bet that’s me. I bet I have a year until I start pooping Mars Bars.
5) The doctor told me I had a heart murmur. I’m sorry but could you repeat that? All I heard was “Please book in for this routine ECG and spend the next 11 days worrying who will get the DVD collection in your will.” It’ll be my brother btw.
6) I researched how to put together an EBook and the phrase “Get others to proof read to make sure it’s not a load of shit” jumped out at me from the page. As if it was meant for me. Because it will be shit. Because I am shit. Shit, shitty shit. Shit.
7) I left a tampon in the toilet and the BF had to ask if everything was “ok down there” because he couldn’t quite fathom how much blood there really is. I wanted to be that tampon flushing its way down the toilet. So much.
8) I cut a chilli and it got under my fingernails. 5 hours and a Google diagnosis later, I’m in A and E convinced I’ve got Carpal Tunnel / Lyme Disease / Syphilis Syndrome and might not make it through the night. The cure? Hold my hand under water for 20 minutes and man the fuck up.
9) I included a picture of hash browns in my budget presentation at work. And then a picture of me eating said hash browns. Oh this really could have gone so many ways…
10) I had a pedicure at the Chinese parlour which meant the rare appearance of my sausage feet and the lack of toenail on one of them. She pointed it out to her friend and I learnt how to say “what the fuck is that” in mandarin. Who knew.