20.5 Things Diets Have Taught Me

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1) They all start on a Monday.

1.5) And finish Friday.

2) Cupcakes grow faces and start to wink at you as you walk past. Sometimes they talk too.

3) Cauliflower rice is not and never will be a decent substitute for the fluffy white stuff. Ever.

4) I have two Emma’s living in the one body. One has the willpower of a saint and makes green goddess smoothies for breakfast and the other is on first name terms with the Macca’s staff. They argue a lot. Guess which one normally wins…

5) Skinny friends who eat cream cakes are the enemy and must be destroyed.

6) Instagram is THE go to place if you’re in search of a new recipe or 1786892 new ways to eat a poached egg on toast.

7) Smoothies in a glass jar with a handle and straw make me feel super sassy.

8) For once in my life I wish I had a penis so I could enjoy the ultra fast metabolism that comes with it. Not having periods would be an added bonus.

9) Sex and food together goes out the window. Licking a fresh kale juice off the bf is so not the same as whipped cream.

10) Nutella from the jar is like the forbidden fruit and must be eaten in a moment of weakness in the safety of your kitchen when no one is looking. The evidence must be washed, dried and back in the drawer before anyone ever knows. Cheat food 101.

11) A true diet includes 2 major binge episodes in it’s lifetime; 1 the night before it starts and 1 the day you fall stomach first off the wagon into a pile of carbs.

12) Hangry is very real and dangerous for anyone in a 2km radius. You have been warned.

13) Men really don’t give a toss about your weight and if they do it’s no where near as much as we do.

14) I’m a lot more accident prone and it’s not uncommon to trip on a Big Mac or stumble on a Crunchie. With my mouth open.

15) Movie theatres are a lot less fun when you don’t get to guess the weight of your pick ‘n’ mix.

16) Blowing off your diet for the night feels like a combination of visiting Disney Land for the first time, having mind-blowing sex and hearing The Backstreet Boys are going on Tour.

17) Someone always knows better than you. Accept their input gracefully and do what you’ve gotta do; we’re all on our own journey.

18) Diets can’t begin until all junk in the home has been eaten first. That’s just good house keeping.

19) I can become an expert in my diet field overnight. Next stop; world domination!

20) If weight is gained it is totally acceptable to blame the diet and not the family tub of ice cream you ploughed through all week. Naturally.

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One response to “20.5 Things Diets Have Taught Me”

  1. Number 3 is so true. NOTHING can replace my blessed rice