1) Giving birth. Or should I say, pushing a watermelon out of your vagina. And don’t give me this “well it hurts to get kicked in the nuts” rubbish. You don’t have to go through that pain out of necessity for producing a human. End of.
2) Periods. They’re painful and annoying and a separate underwear drawer must be purchased simply to avoid ruining the good stuff.
3) Public genitalia scratching. No one batters an eyelid at your ball sack itching but say we were to do a little rearranging whilst waiting for the train… different story.
4) Hormonal weight gain. A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips was a phrase made for women.
5) Spare time. Time free from doing your hair or putting on your make up. I’d estimate approximately 1 hour and 45 minutes extra per week – so much more time for ball scratching.
6) Your relaxed approach to absolutely everything. You’re running late for dinner, so what. Mike at work bitched about you to Pete, who cares. You’re so laid back your practically horizontal.
7) Better control or lack of emotions. You’ve watched Marley and Me 3 times and don’t get what all of the fuss is about. If you had to wear make up you wouldn’t have made a perfectly good mascara run either.
8) The ability to aim pee in public places. Ever tried to squat and aim? Ever lost your balance and fallen over in it afterwards? Thought not.
9) That feeling you get when you take your bra off after a long day. You get that ALL DAY LONG!
10) Wearing shorts is not affected by the length of your leg hair.
11) You never have to experience the pain that only comes from holding in a fart for too long. In fact the bigger the better.
12) Wedding preparations. Enough said.
13) Christmas shopping is done on Christmas Eve. In 35 minutes.
14) You get credit for doing chores around the house that we do on a daily basis.
15) One pair of going out shoes, one pair of work shoes, one pair of gym shoes. And you never have to wear heels. Ever.
16) Did I mention pushing a watermelon out of your vagina?
17) It’s deemed appropriate to walk around with your top off if it’s too hot.
18) One hairstyle. For life.