You just killed your best friend’s dog.
You have lost your boss $100,000.
Your boyfriend has died.
You have borrowed your parent’s BMW X5 and driven into the back of someone. It’s a write off.
Now take all of those feelings and multiply them by 1,000. How would you feel?
The scariest things for me in life, personally, are the things I can’t explain. Like why it is I can be coasting along in my wonderful life surrounded by some amazing people and enjoying some extraordinary moments only to feel like the whole world is about to swallow me up.
It comes on slowly at first, like a niggling headache because you forgot to drink enough water that day. And you try to shake it off by going for a walk or taking some deep breaths – you’ve done this a million times before. You can handle it.
But sometimes nothing you do pushes the negative thoughts from your head and self doubt begins to creep in. Your heart rate is through the roof but everything and everyone around you moves quickly – you are completely alert to the world.
That sick feeling sinks right down into the depths of your stomach and rests there, not budging for anyone or anything.
And you feel like your head isn’t your own anymore. Your whole being has been invaded and you can’t escape, you are trapped in your own body.
This is what anxiety feels like to me.
I’ve not always known this is what it was. I actually used to think my little “things” like counting to 4 or clenching my teeth or feeling like I was rushing through moments was a bit weird. In fact I kept them to myself for fear of friends thinking I was losing the plot. Because what did I have to feel nervous about? Surely people who have money problems or a sick family member are the only people who have a reason to feel this way?
But moving to another country enabled me to confide in friends because when you do something as hard as starting over in a new place, you can’t help but open yourself to others. Friends become like the family you left behind.
I’ll never fully understand why it is anxiety has a nasty little hold on me but I refuse to let it be the main part of me.
I’m fortunate that it has never gotten to the stage where it prevents me from living my life or has me bed ridden. In fact only those most closest to me can tell when I feel anxious and see the change. I’m grateful for this although also a little embarrassed that they witness it. It can make me feel like i’m weak for letting it in.
My 28 years has taught me what can trigger it and through practise I have become better at handling the rare moments it really grips me. Sometimes a cry is all I need to let it out and move on. Nothing wrong with that.
It only takes a quick Google search to see that mental health issues are on the rise and I take a tiny amount of comfort in knowing that i’m not alone. And it pushes me to want find a way to rid it once and for all and to share the way with others in my situation. Because I wouldn’t wish that “My whole world is falling apart in this very second” feeling upon anyone.
And so I am excited to add a new category to Relatable Miss Renton today which will be all of my writings about anxiety. Anxiety.
I hope you enjoy.
P.S. Go fuck yourself anxiety.